Confessions of a “Loser Du Jour”

“There’s one bitch in the world, one bitch with many faces”
Jason Mewes – Chasing Amy

I’ve kept quiet about this for a long time, bitten my tongue on many occasions, I don’t want to be nasty, but it’s all I’m left with…

Ever since I got back things had been rapidly disintegrating between Robyn and myself. Sure, we’d have great times together, but when we were apart things were strained at best, made worse by the fact she quit her job… Before I came back to Atlanta I told her that I’d be extremely busy due to work commitments and she said that was ok, well, it didn’t last long, all of a day in fact… Phil and Erika wanted to go out to a little bar for dinner the day after I got back, Robyn also wanted to see me but seeing as she saw me the day before I figured I could go have dinner with Phil and Erika then see Robyn afterwards, keeping everyone happy, but no… Robyn got pissed that I went out with Phil and Erika (considering they hadn’t seen me in a month), saying something like they get to see me all day, to which I tried to explain that even though it’s a fairly laid back working environment it’s not the same as a social environment, which we rarely get the opportunity to have. So we had dinner, played a few game of darts, saw a few houses on the way home and when I got back I called Robyn, she was in a pissy mood, didn’t want to see me, didn’t care about anything… But I still went round to the icy reception, the weekend that followed wasn’t much better, a prelude of things to come.

We went to her parents lake house the following weekend and we had a fun time, it was almost perfect actually, we celebrated both our birthdays and then it all went pear shaped, because despite spending Friday, Saturday and Sunday with her, I decided to spend my birthday with Phil, Erika and the freshly returned Adam, we went bowling and had lunch at Bugaboo Creek, when we came back I called Robyn to see about plans later that evening, I told her that we (Phil, Erika and Adam) were planning on going to Bass Pro Outdoor World in Lawrenceville and didn’t know what time we’d be back and if she had any plans, now was the time to tell me so I could be back in time, she didn’t so we went there and got back about 7:30 to find cinema tickets in an envelope stuck in our door…

Well that was enough, I had repeatedly asked her if she had any plans for us and repeatedly she said no, and AFTER the phone call she went and got these tickets, she said she bought them online beforehand, but still, she had to drive 30 minutes to the perimeter to collect the tickets and 30 minutes back to drop them off at my house… That was break-up number 1

During that break-up, Robyn managed to sleep with her ex, as previously mentioned, and despite that, we got back together… It was ok for a few weeks, we’d hang out whenever possible, and then Robyn just lost the plot. With Phil, Erika and Adam going away to a conference in Maryland, we were working the weekend beforehand to make up for “lost time” and on the Sunday, we decided to go into the pool after dinner, in fact I was pretty much forcibly dragged into the pool, but I made the mistake of leaving Trillian open and over the course of a few hours Robyn had a conversation with herself, pissed off at me ignoring her, pissed off that I’d rather spend time the people I live and work with than her and all that kind of nonsense, and then signed off after implying that she would do some harm to herself…

So a few hours later I get all this and call her up rather angrily, that was break-up number 2…

By Wednesday we start to talk again, as an olive branch Robyn got tickets for the Braves game the following Monday, Phil, Erika and Adam leave on the Thursday so I decided to “bury the hatchet” of sorts and invite Robyn round to watch a movie, and that’s all we did, we watched Kill Bill and then she left, there was no physical contact, no nothing. That seemed to be the perfect way to go, just be friends, but on the Friday we went out to dinner at On The Border then watched a few more movies, by this time it was after midnight and I asked her if she wanted to stay, although she wasn’t comfortable with it she did stay, and the next day everything blew up, I was on MSN with Adam and let slip that Robyn was there, of course he wasn’t going to sugar coat anything and next thing I know Erika is MSNing me with a “why is she there” and then a long rant of why do I consistently fuck them over in favour of seeing Robyn and things like that… So I said fuck it, if that’s their attitude, maybe I shouldn’t even be here, Phil then calls to calm me down saying not to make any stupid decisions and we’ll talk about it when they got back.

So we went to the Braves game and as it was a late finish, Robyn stayed here… The guys were due back the following day so I basically kicked Robyn out when I woke up… I had wasted the weekend and had a shitstorm coming my way, best go for damage limitation. They didn’t get back till Tuesday night as they decided to take the scenic route home, Wednesday was my judgment day.

It wasn’t pretty, the talk lasted for close to 2½ hours, the outcome was simple, Robyn was the root of my problems… Unbeknownst to me, it was clear that I was a pretty miserable bastard when I was going out with Robyn, even though I had been told many times before… I just chalked it down to me missing her or whatever, but looking back, yeah… I was too quick to finish work at 6 to go out with her leaving the others to pick up the slack, I wasn’t doing anything to help any kind of house harmony and, again unbeknownst to me, I was on strike two, one more fuck up and they were going to ask me to leave… And where would that leave me?

So even though I didn’t really want to, I broke up with Robyn for the third time in 4 weeks… It wasn’t pretty, judging by Robyn’s quick burnout getaway when she dropped me off home. So I buried myself in work, helped out around the house, even cooked dinner a few times (which is totally not like me as I can’t cook for shit, even though Erika hates my defeatist attitude) and things couldn’t be better. I tried to avoid Robyn online except for a few occasions when she needed my help, like setting up her own blog, I even turned down the free tickets she got off the Braves after our late night adventure there previously… She then got tickets to go see Alanis Morrissette and Barenaked Ladies live at the HiFi Buys Amphitheater, a show we spoke about going to for months, that wasn’t so easy to turn down, but we couldn’t really make our mind’s up about going, I wanted to go, but then she said it might be difficult for her as she would be expecting “more than a friend” so I said she should sell the tickets on eBay. Then I read on her blog that she’s been speaking to a guy in IM and how he’s sympathetic to her and all that, and I guess a bit of jealousy started to brew away inside me.

Most of all I was pissed at Erika being right about her forgetting me if a new guy came along and showed her any kind of affection, which this guy was in spades, from what I read, even considering moving to Atlanta from Ann Arbor, MI. Of course I’m all like “what the fuck??”

So we get into a heated debate about what love is and how I don’t love her because I won’t fight to be with her, so she leaves me with three options

We could never decide on any solutions to his “situation” that we both would be happy with. It’s really confusing that he’s not willing to put forth effort to date me, yet makes me feel guilty for moving on and even chatting with other guys. So, basically, the way I saw it, he has three options:

• Option #1: He quits his job and we go back to having a serious relationship (which I know is asking a lot).
• Option #2: He keeps his job, but continues to date me – no matter how difficult it is and even if we only see each other every week or so. And with this decision, I’d be content to not date anyone else.
• Option #3: We completely call it quits. Break all ties. But he has to realize (and get comfortable with the fact) that I’m going to move on and date other guys.

He told me that #1 and #2 would be really hard, but he doesn’t want to decide on option #3. I told him that I realize that things wouldn’t be easy, but if he loves me and wants to date me (like he says he does), then he needs to make a decision and act on those decisions

So it was date her or nothing, ideally I just wanted to be friends as dating her would be impossible and probably leave me in an awkward situation as far as living and working goes, so either way I lose… So that’s me, then. Should I even care anymore?