Don’t you just love wading through the old posts of forums and you come across a true hidden gem that makes you smile?
Well, I came across one such item posted by damien_oh in o8 and reposted years later in humhum…
listen to as many lies as possible and don’t believe any more than four of them at once.
keep yer dukes up.
don’t walk around looking at the ground, you will walk into things.
don’t walk around staring at the sky, you will trip over small dogs.
shake people’s hands firmly.
if you have limp wrists, freak people out with them by flailing about the room with them flapping all over the place.
don’t wear sweatpants unless yer painting or gardening.
learn how to tie a full windsor.
listen to as many jerry lee lewis songs as you can find.
cufflinks can save yer soul.
remember good manners: spit on that before you stick it somewhere.
if someone really punches you, they don’t like you very much.
if you get hit by a car and are wearing jancy designer underwear, the ER doctors will cut through them just the same as if they were hanes.
if yer family annoys you, take solace in the fact that they will all most likely die before you do.
if yer family is pretty cool and you like being around them, get off yer ass and spend more time with them while you still can.
its always better to put on more deodorant than you need, rather than less.
FLOSS
tip the bar-staff well or we’ll fucking kill you.
being drunk can be fun, but its never an excuse.
always make sure you have enough money to get home. wherever you are.
be kind: when a woman vomits, hold her hair back away from her face.
if a woman is very impressed by yer buying expensive things fer her, it’s probably a good idea to buy her nothing at all.
if you lick yer lips just right while talking to a woman in a bar, it’s sexy.
olde english is good. czechvar is better.
nyc o8ers: visit the beer-garden as often as you can. it is good fer yer soul.
if you stick yer tounge down my throat i will bite down on it.
don’t put a pot of boiling water on the stove and then nod out while it boils away. it burns the fuck out of the pot after awhile.
cast iron cookware is good fer you.
unless you don’t know what the term “excersize” means, you don’t need to fear butter.
when it’s time to party, you should always party hard.
chez maxime’s will make yer dreams come true.
if someone is taking the piss, and you take it personally, yer the asshole. not them.
always keep an extra clean towel in the bathroom fer unexpected showered guests.
humans are supposed to sneak peeks into each other’s medicine chests.
leaving the toilet seat up does *not* make you seem rebellious. only sloppy.
aint no half-steppin: if yer going to trash a hotel room proper, the telly *must* go out the window.
that window should be closed at the time.
if you do that and yer not on an expense account, yer fucking dumb.
yer friends probably do really love you.
when somen play with yer hair, it is more than okay to enjoy it a lot.
if you are talking shit about someone, their ears are burning.
never button a shirt all the way up to the collar. chest hair is hot and we like to see yer clavicles.
if you have a hard-on in public. stand up and be counted, boy. jump up and testify to the wonder that is a hard cock.
fer men, the fine line between pants being ‘hot tight’ and ‘tootight’ is ALL based on attitude.
give yer friends as much of yer own artwork as you can because you will be dead one day.
don’t grind your teeth. it’s disgusting.
the proper place fer a cold bottle of beer on a hot summer’s day is wedged up against yer crotch. (this works fer men and women).
don’t spend too much time looking fer reasons to things that happen. you will get hit by a car.
clean yer ashtrays out weekly.
aint no shame in loving some r. kelly tracks.
never get so drunk taht you don’t know what’s happening to you. someone will pee on you.
no matter how drunk you might be, don’t fuck with a bouncer while he’s working. never forget that he gets paid to hurt people and that you dont.
don’t cheat while playing pool on a bar table. dont.
if you odn’t know how to throw a punch, don’t get into situations where you’ll need to throw a punch.
don’t start out by biting on a woman’s nipples. you have to work up to that shit.
dont’ chew, bite or drag teeth on a guy’s cock unless he’s *specifically* requested you to.
if you don’t know where a man’s prostate is, you will not find it using fingers like jackhammers.
you don’t have to be wearing a button down shirt to wear a tie.
you can never have too much music in yer life.
watch sunsets often.
walk with no destination.
stop wearing a watch. who cares what time it is, really?
if you get jealous and bitter when yer friends become famous, yer the one being a cunt. take time out and fix the shit in yer head before you ruin something special.
smile and laugh as much as you can.
As true today as it ever was…